Life's Lessons

Pre-amble

A maze owner, A lady with curve, A faraway doctor, and yours truly got together on Yahoo Messenger conference and brought new meaning to the term - Happy hour. We finally agreed on a blog challenge – All three to write about a common topic of “Life’s Lessons” and to be posted on Thursday May 17th, before mid-night.

My school of Life’s lessons

Most of my life’s lessons were learnt in schools of hard-knock. Throughout life, I have accumulated as many scars on my body and heart as have been the acquisition of wisdom and lessons.
Schools of hard-knock spin out lessons blow after blow, one heart break after another, quick succession of betrayal and disappointment and not to mention countless time of falling and faltering.
One learns as much as one wish to learn. The teacher is no one else but one’s own Attitude, Mind, and Behavior.


Lessons from Failures.
“No Pain No Gain” – I learnt quite early in life that there is no short cut to success. As a student I didn’t get full pass for my A-Levels. The sudden freedom of living in the UK and exposure to the Western culture got the better of me. I skipped studying in favor of leisure and pleasure.
My best lessons in life seemed to always have followed my failures. One trick is to be able to understand the reason for the failures.
Instead of re-sitting my A Level, I risked by doing a Diploma course – studied real hard – did real well in my exams - and was promoted to second year degree course. Lessons learnt!
In life, there is no free lunch!
Another trick is to be able to bounce back from dissappointment of failures.
Before the final whistle blow, do not lose your hope of winning.
And it is folly to fail at the same thing twice.

Lessons from Success.
“Rome was not built in one day” Old proverb.
As a child of seven, I tried to build a mouse trap. I used wooden blocks as the trap which should fall and killed a mouse when it moved the bait. I was neither patient nor persevering. I gave up when I failed to catch a single mouse after one night of trying. My late grandfather noticed my despondence. He took me aside and worked with me step by step building a mouse trap - asking me how much did I want to build a trap. Why did I want to do it? He said, if the "why" is strong then go for it - keep trying until we get it. He built a pro-type, experimented with it then improved the design. It took him a week, but in the end we caught many mice with that trap built from bamboos and some sago branches.

Be happy but never be satisfied.
Winning once is not good enough, we need to keep winning to be a legend.
Tiger Wood is a happy man every time he wins a Golf competition. But he allows himself only a short time to be happy – soon he is back to the driving range or putting green practicing. Of course he is already an expert in playing Golf – but he is never satisfied. He keeps pushing himself forward and upwards.
I am never a satisfied man myself when it comes to my work. I keep challenging my staff and myself for faster, for better, for more!
I am not yet a legend in Golf, but I am pretty good in what I have chosen to do....

I don’t aim to be perfect, but I aim to be the best I can be.
I find perfection as inhibiting me from achieving more. I don’t fret over the little things, but I focus my effort to sweat over the big things – things that matters. Then I give my all to achieve those big things.
When Along did poorly in exams when he was in primary school, I found out from his teachers that he was playful in class. I took Along for a drive. We had a man-to-man talk. I asked him whether he was happy with his performance in school? Whether what he was achieving was the best he can achieve? Or whether he can do better if he try harder?
I assured him that so long as he has given his best, I would stand by his results. But he must try his best.
His exams results improved so much he was awarded the ‘Most improved student’.
Since then in whatever he does, he gives his best effort. I am proud with his independence and personal leadership. He has graduated and started working.
His siblings followed suit – Zeti scored perfect 10A1s in her SPM, and Fariz scored 3.98 points ( out of maximum 4.0 ) for his matriculation final results. He too scored 9As in his SPM. Both Amirul and Haziq are in the top three of their class, and Amirul has won second place in a virtual world Maths competition as a representative of his school. The champion was three years older than him. Luqman, at his young age of soon to be seven - is already experimenting with his own kind of mouse traps.
They are all self-motivated and giving their very best in their studies. And that is what matters!

Lessons about happiness.
I found out that happiness is not equal to success, neither does it equate to wealth.
Success and wealth can only help towards being happy, but there are millions of successful and wealthy people who live miserable lives.
Lasting happiness for me comes from knowing that I have made others happy. Happiness is about giving!
This of course starts at home – having a happy wife, cheerful children and blissful home.
We give hugs generously. We joke freely, and bring laughter out of each other.
Happiness is also about forgiving!
I learnt that blame and shame are games played by vengeful people – and invariably they are quite a miserable lot. I therefore adopt a forgiving attitude. I don’t keep enemies. I forgive everyone – even if it means forgiving them in my heart – and I move on.
If people ask what is my secret for maintaing a youthful outlook, my answer is, "Think good of others. Baik sangka!".

Many of my unhappy moments are linked to ‘endless searching and pursuing for more than I have’. How ungrateful, given what I do have!
This is related perhaps to what I have written above – about never being satisfied.
A time will come when I will stop chasing and will occupy myself with counting my blessings. This is a lesson from which I am yet to graduate.
My prayers, I noted, are still mainly asking for this and asking for that from God. A perpetual state of greed and gullibility, and surrendering to temptations, desires and trapping of the world. May god forgive me for my self-indulgence. I am at my first stage of learning – realizing my weaknesses and accepting that I want to change. I will graduate from this, InsyAAllah, and live to be happier and more contented.

Happiness = Attitude * Thought * Behavior
( state of heart & mind) * (thinking process) * (deeds and actions)
I take responsibility for my happiness and my life.
- For who I am
- For what I have
- For what I do
I take charge of my thinking because……
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are Right!” Said Henry Ford.
I choose my behaviors, and I am answerable for them to God and to people around me. I stand to be corrected if I don't behave any of these which I try to live by :
• Spread smiles *i hope you've notice my :-) in all of my comments*
• Sprinkle some “positive” on the negatives.
• Focus on the good of each day and each person * ber sangka baik*
• Stay out of the “negative circles” they can bring you down in a spiral of negative thoughts.
• Say “Please” and “Thank you” and "Bismillah...."
• Empathize.....and listening is my gift to my friends!
• Never miss an opportunity to complement
• Have a forgiving views
• Keep an open mind
• Cultivate my sense of humor

Lessons about lessons.
Remember to
Watch your definitions -
they become thoughts
Watch your thoughts -
they become words
Watch your words -
they become actions
Watch your actions -
they become your destiny.

I end my sharing of lessons with buckets of humility.
-Taking a flight to city of London tonight, before continuing my journey to Casablanca for a week. Wishing you an enjoyable weekend and week ahead with ur loved ones-

For God's sake, be nice!

The horizon turned amber and the reflection in the Red Sea was fabulously enchanting. The invitees turned silent to respect the call for Maghrib prayer from nearby mosques. The ceremony began. The bride and groom walked hand in hand - making a grand entrance. We were at a private club on the Corniche in Jeddah witnessing a wedding ceremony of a Lebanese couple.

The bride and groom took turn to recite their wedding vows - to love, honor, and cherish. That was the keynote of the evening wedding reception for their close relatives and friends. What an incredible promise!

I looked around, observing faces. The ladies were mostly smiling with a kind of dreamy look on their faces. A re-play of their own wedding could not be far from their mind. And single girls were giggling and stealing glances with bachelor boys. Men were whispering to each other.
I overheard one guy with balding patch was saying, "I bet the guy does not know what he is getting into by saying those vows". Of course meant as a joke, but was he? Married men tend to be cynical about the purer than pure kind of wedding vows. Most are living with guilt of having broken theirs.
"Yea....when he said - I'll love you, he should add as long as you behave in a loveable manner. Really I think he should or else he will live to regret". Said the other man, who from his pot belly I guess has been married for a good number of years himself. And the balding guy added with glee, "And when he said - I'll cherish you, really should add - as long as I feel the love for you and whenever we are together".

How about this dialogue below? I am sure you have heard them before, not in your own home *roll eyes*, but you must have heard that it happens in someone else's home, right? To think that sometimes not in the distant past the husband and wife have each vowed to love, honour and cherish each other - till death do they part?!!

Husband : What do you mean I don't love you?
Wife : You never appreciate me, never say you love me.
Husband : But you know I love you. I come home everyday don't I?
Wife : Yea right, and spend time reading newspaper and watching TV and surfing internet. Just as well you are not at home.
Husband : Ok if you wish - I am going out right now and don't blame me for it.
Wife : I am right you don't love me.
Husband : Whatever!

"If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly and sour at home, then go out on the street and start grinning 'good morning' to total strangers"
- Maya Angelou.

I have read many books and watched numerous movies on the subject
- Of trust and betrayal
- Of marriages and divorces.
- Of loving one day and screaming murder the next.
And I have come to accept that the above do happen and there is little wisdom in trying to deny the possibility of it happening to someone I know or even to myself.

But I know also that it is simply civilized and dignified to maintain self-respect and to maintain respect for the person whom we have once promised to love, honour and cherish. For God's sake - be and stay nice to each other!

I am often asked this question, " Is it better to stay in a unhappy marriage , or is it better to go separate ways and hopefully one can find happiness else where?"

And I often answer, "If by staying together, you are really affecting the well being of your children, then go seperate ways - for the others do not deserve to be affected by your self-indulgence. But if by going seperate ways, you make your children more unhappy - then try to work it out. But stay nice to each other".

You may be able to deduce from above, that my answer to couples without children is "You only have yourself to answer to, so be true to yourself".

Dear readers, I am asking you to generate some ideas for all of us to have a renewal in our relationship. You can contribute by completing this statement in your comments.

"I really feel that I am loved when my partner.........................................................................."

Your answer may help us to really understand more about what we need to do in order to fullfill our promise, To Love till death shall we part.

"Words are empty sometimes but how it is said transcends into the soul and leaves a certain feeling" - owner of the the curve.

Thinking about umie and ct

I knew umie and ctz through internet, a friendship which blooms in real life to become real bestes of friends. Lately, we have all been busy. Ctz has been pursuing part-time study for a degree. Umie has been busy preparing for her first child's wedding. They have also become close friends of Lil.

I found a string of emails which was started with me teasing ctz about getting married.

This was sent to both ctz and Umie in Feb 2004.

perkahwinan, satu perkongsian dua insan

perjanjian termetri

sehidup semati

laut direnangi, gunung di daki

yang indah di kenang

yang pahit di telan.

perkahwinan, bukan main pondok2

bukan boleh sorok2

bukan bisa olok2

serious tu

kena selidiki satu persatu

kena semayang istikharah dulu

kena tanya pak ngah dan pak su

kena kaji asal usul dia dan asal usul mu

perkahwinan, ada cara dan adat

hantar wakil merisik

supaya dugong tidak bersisik

dan bunga belum bermilik

hantar pulak rombongan meminang

supaya termetri satu perjanjian

ada majlis, ada kursus

semua ujian harus lulus

kemahiran menjawap Tok Khadi

jawap nikah sempurna dalam sekali.



Reply from Umie was :



hehehehe.... ct

betul tu apa yg kanda Arief ct dok jawap

semua nye betol

tak dak yg salah

perkahwinan satu perkongsian dua insan

ingin hidup semati

lautan sama di seberangi

walau pun lautan api

sanggup di renangi

sanggup kah mengharungi segala rintangan

sanggup kah menyimpan perasaan

hehehehe ct...

satu lagi pesanan umie

tang berkongsi suami jangan sesekali

pahitnya tak tertelan nanti

cuma kalau ctz ingin juga berkongsi

hanya boleh berkongsi dengan umie

kita bermadu nak ka ct?

tu pun kalau ct sudi

ehehehe ct

tak sempat nak tulis banyak2

takut ct rasa meluat

lain hari kita bermuafakat

semoga aman dunia akhirat...



Dan ini jawapan ctz.

amboi, amboi umie...

murah hati nak kongsi kongsi

siapa untung siapa rugi

pak ngah juga dapat dua isteri

best tu ada kanan dan kiri

amboi amboi umie

kita berkongsi bumbung, dapur dan katil besi

bahagia laa pak ngah dapat geli-geli

siang perasa tomyam, malam makan kari

pasti jeles tu kanda arief dok perati

jenuh keliling rumah kafir mati

pak ngah membunuh setiap hari

amboi amboi umie berpesan dia

supaya bermuafakat semoga bahagia

jgn terburu buat keputusan

bezakan kaca dari maknikam.

Semoga Umie dan Ctz sehat wal'afiat hendaknya.

Umie ada di sini. Ctz pulak di sini.

Haziq - a writer!

Haziq is twelve, and my child number five. Haziq was born in Tawakal Hospital Kuala Lumpur on 23rd August - another Virgo to the family.

He is an extrovert - prefering outdoor sports, adept at socialising and has many friends both in school and in our residential compound. In the evening, Haziq comes home when Maghrib Azan is heard - infact it is a joke amongst us in the family that when Haziq comes home, then it must be Maghrib. He plays football, tennis, table tennis.

Those were what I knew of Haziq and has taken him to be as such. I was only half right!

There is another side to Haziq which I did not know until last weekend, and that too by accident. We were in this hotel room recently during a weekend outing - and after Isya one night as he was doing his homework I asked to look at his exercise book. What I saw surprised and impressed me. I felt a tinge of regret that I have not known this side of him earlier, and as such has not been encouraging or coach him. Not that he needs either encouragement or coaching - he is a self starter and very resourceful. But he could do with some sincere appreciation for his talent, I am sure.

Haziq, a writer! I read and re-read his essays, and I was filled with pride and admiration. He is very talented. His repertoire of vocabulary is impressive and his imagination and flair so original. A reminder for me to be more interested in my children's school work.

Now I understood why his English teacher was telling me at one recent parents-teachers meeting, "Ah Haziq is my favourite student, and i enjoy reading his essays".

I wish now that I did not only hear what the teacher said but also have listened!

Here are pictures of one of Haziq's essays, titled "56 Cromley Street".